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In 1917, 21, May, Filo was born to Okello and Magdalene in Manila during a family trip. Okello and Magdalene were tycoons who lived in the Nairobi suburbs, blessed with three children; Otieno, Amondi and Renzo and now Filo was the newest member of the family. Okello was the governor who understood that life is a game of chess, and you have to play it right. This belief played a fundamental role in Filo’s life. It shaped her perception, which replicated Allan Rufus’ sentiments. “Life is like a game of chess. To win, you have to make a move. Knowing which move to make comes with insight and knowledge, and by learning the lessons that are accumulated along the way. We become each and every piece within the game called life.”
Filo grew up watching his father busy developing, establishing and living his political career. Her mother was caught up in a web of supportive wives, with a career of her own and struggling to be a presently available mother. She watched the agony of companionship and questioned her desires for having a family of her own. Regardless, at 24 years, she met a soul that set hers in flames. The flame was enough to consume her whole being. If he was a song, she would be the rhythm. The melody stuck in her head. He was the gun in her holster. He was the type of man she was devoted to writing a symphony. Filo was, however, ensnarled in fears agitated by her past. She saw her parents fight behind closed doors while portraying happy and “couple goals” to the world. She was entrapped by the plight of absent parents, who believed fancy and luxurious life was at the heart of her early development. She had a void within her being and hoped Khan would fill it.
Khan, on the other hand, was a diver ready to try the deepest waters. He was a prepared explorer, ready to venture and solve the love mystery. He was determined to give Filo an experience of her lifetime. Reading from his script, he understood perfectly that they were two different individuals, with parallel experiences. He realized that every time he spends time with her; she was constantly worried, anxious, sometimes experienced rapid heart rates and sometimes it was panic attacks. Khan never seemed to understand the reasons behind such, and ended up walking away, leaving her to melt her own snow, which seemed self-inflicted from his own perspective.
This worsened the condition for Filo, as she felt unworthy of love, isolated, and not deserving. She switched and swapped towns every two months in hope of new beginnings. She anticipated the refreshing sunrise, but with every hope, her soul withered.
On 21st May 1943, Filo woke up in a hospital. Beside her was a note from one of the greatest philosophers, “They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice … That Suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in this world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person”, Arthur Schopenhauer. She reflected on the episodes of her own life, sparking thoughts about how much she missed in pursuit of her own journey. Her world had been cold, filled with fear of living. The limitations harbored her desires and her life was an infusion of complexity and demons that tormented her in every way.
On this day, she realized that one can be dead while alive. She understood that being deprived of life is one of the most fatal tragedies anyone can ever encounter. The composite of her reflections is deeply rooted in a predetermined condition that she would have altered only if she was in touch with reality. Her soul still longs for Khan, but it is too late since her sun had burned out of its fuel and her clock was ticking. The only time left, she dedicated to helping those travelling on a similar journey. Like in the forest, no tree is like any other, yet they coexist in the same land. Every individual is blessed with the gift of life, but with different backgrounds, experiences and cultural relativism informs the conventional beliefs. Her only desire solely lies in people overcoming philophobia, finding love and living in the present. Carpe diem!! She closes her eyes, hoping individuals would understand sometimes they are in a battle and conflicting situations that demand resilient tenacity to emerge victoriously.
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